Define "Love"

What is love? I used to define it as putting others before yourself – that those selfless actions were the true measure of love. Recently though, I heard someone make a comment about that sort of thinking:

Where does that leave [you]?

And it's true – to a certain degree. You see, I've always put others before me and in those actions I've compromised myself because of it. I've let my feelings take a backseat to those of others and I've now realized, that I don't know how to fix that. Because love should be about caring for both in equal measures, about giving and receiving in return. That leads me down another path. How do you know you're in love?

Is it because all you want to do is see that person, talk to them, hold them, kiss them; that it could be anywhere in the world but just having that person by your side makes it the best place in the world. Does it come from a feeling of passion and contentment and just all-in-all a feeling of things being “right”? Maybe. Because I honestly don't know if I've ever been in love. I know I've had my heart broken though – does that mean I have? It's a question I think about a lot, but haven't yet found an answer to. You see, in high school, I let myself get defined by three very distinct – and very similar – relationships. Which in itself makes no sense, but here we are. I had three main people be the focus of all my attention, my affection, my intentions, my... my everything. And I sort of had them all running parallel to each other.

It probably makes little to no sense without a detailed explanation, but that's not what this post is about. This post is about trying to understand and learn from my past in order to better inform my present and figure out what I want my future to be. Because you see, right now I'm standing in front of a door that's locked and I'm wondering if I (still) have the key to unlocking it – and furthermore, do I even want to? Relationships are hard and I learned that in one there are only two outcomes: you either marry the person or you break up. Learning that has made me utterly terrified of putting myself out there when it does matter – when the relationships could have potential.

I honestly don't have any idea where I'm going with this anymore, but basically, I guess I just want to say I'm...stuck? Paralyzed? Lost? Confused? Heartsick? I don't even know the word that perfectly defines what I'm feeling is. I'm like... I'm like a car that's stalling; and I don't know what's better: for me to start running again, or for me to just stop working at all and start anew somewhere else. I have no idea what I'm doing – and worse: I have no idea what I want. -SF

#sf