Things That Are Not Okay

This is a trigger warning. I talk about my experiences with sexual harassment. Nothing graphic, but just making sure everyone's aware.

** You talked to me for one day on Facebook before you asked me to hang out. (I accepted. I took a friend. It was a group setting, it was nice – even if we didn't really interact all that much.) You spent the rest of the weekend texting me things that came across as charming, if a bit pushy. (I already had plans, I couldn't just go meet you at the places you were at.) You kept sounding even pushier. (Compliments don't sound as nice anymore.) I backed out. (I felt nervous.) I ignored you. (For a week.) I felt bad, I answered and explained. (“I felt nervous, you came across as pushy.”) You said it was okay. (Said you wanted to preserve the friendship.) You went back to sounding pushy. (“Meet me today.”) Like I owed you something, like I'd wronged you. (“You could have texted back. Mjm, sure. Whatever.”) You made a joke. It was about me remembering the day I "stood you up" for lunch the week I ignored you. You said, “Remember? When you thought I was going to rape you?” How is that funny? How does that make me feel more comfortable around you? If anything, it makes me feel validated about finding your previous texts as pushy. I called you out on it. You called me touchy and over sensitive. You half-assed an apology. We're done. ** This is obviously the cliff notes version of what happened to me recently with a guy I was considering getting to know better. It's not the first time I've felt uncomfortable with a situation. Once before it happened, and it escalated, and then I was left with the realization that I had been – to a certain degree – sexually harassed. The first time it happened, it was (so much) worse. I was younger and it was someone I knew, someone I loved, someone who wasn't in the right state of mind. I blamed myself. Did I give the wrong impression? Did I somehow show that this was acceptable behavior? What did I do to make him act this way? Am I overreacting? Am I being too sensitive? I remember being filled with dread anytime my phone would beep (would this be another message?); I remember hoping and praying that the week would pass by quickly so that the situation would stop feeling like the end of the world; so that I could get over it. I told my parents. For the next year, my life wasn't the same. For years after, it weighed on me terribly. Today, I can accept and understand things. It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve it. My actions didn't excuse his reactions. He was wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't my fault. I can't even begin to imagine how people who have been sexually assaulted deal with their things. They are without a doubt the strongest and most courageous people out there and they have all of my undying respect and support. I've only dealt with a certain level of feeling harassed. And if my previous experience with it taught me anything, it taught me to follow my gut and my instincts. So, recent guy I met: I owe you nothing. You have no right to ridicule me for feeling offended. Calling yourself a dick as an apology and saying you'll cool it doesn't work when you end your message with telling me to “take a joke.” Harassment. Assault. Rape. Those aren't joke. Those are real life traumas, and if you need me to tell you “how close to you was the person you know that was raped” in order to for you to take my complaint seriously, you can seriously go fuck yourself. I don't need to lower my standards of acceptable behavior. You do need to learn how to be a decent fucking person. Your attempts at getting with me? Now that's the real joke here. Done. -SF

#sf